Thursday, October 4, 2007

Uncharted

After a brief respite at home this weekend, I am back in LA. I never thought I could enjoy being on my own so much, but I do. Having my own little home, keeping it up and maintaining it according to standards I've set myself, walking around my neighborhood... It's so nice. But I have to admit for all the perks and freedoms that independence allows, recently I've started to feel the fuzzy ache of loneliness. I know that will quell once my life here becomes even more established-- working, etc-- but sometimes empty days stretch on like a long desert road in front of me with no real ANYTHING in sight.

Last Friday was the one year anniversary of the day my momma left the world. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Not easy certainly, and full of challenges completely unforseen, but not quite as terrible as I imagined. I could sigh just thinking about it-- what a relief. In these days that have followed, I feel a sense of challenge in my spirit. For the past year and a half I've been trapped in this formatted cycle of pain and grief-- every day was the one-year anniversary of something painful, something tragic, something heart-breaking... And even if it wasn't that day specifically, something terrible was coming up soon that would most likely hit my heart and gut like a ton of bricks. But as I move out of The First Year, it feels like I'm moving into new territory. Grief and pain will always be a part of my life, but now I'm no longer chained to comparing my immediate experiences with what they could have been... It feels like a whole new world, like for the first time in a long time I am moving on to uncharted territory that is good. I can't remember the last time I felt that.

Who knows, tomorrow could be wretched-- I could spend the weekend holed up in my apartment eating peanut butter and crying-- but for now my insides feel a lot stronger than they have in the longest time... And I'm so blessed.

3 comments:

Patriot said...

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Thanks!

Ed & Cheryl said...

Jess, You are moving into new territory and for a moment of time it may seem so small, but as time moves on your promised land becomes larger and larger with each step. I love you and we're praying for you. By the way, what did Matthew Perry do?

Jessica said...

Thank you so much, Ed and Cheryl! I love you too...

Oh, and for the record... I was crossing the street in Beverly Hills when I noticed a man sitting in at the stoplight staring at me. I turned briefly to see, and then had to forcibly stop myself from doing a double-take when I realized it was Matthew Perry. His eyes followed me all the way across the street from inside his little navy Porsche. Maybe he's a little lonely without his "Friends"?