Monday, June 23, 2008

Rock and Roll

I'm just going to tell you right now... This is going to get embarrassing.

Last weekend I went to see Get Smart. For one because the ads actually looked hilarious, and two because it was so hot outside it felt like walking around in a hair dryer. But I'm not here to talk about that. What I am here to do is make a confession.

I have a big, fat, cause-me-to-stumble crush on Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

So there.

To be honest, Get Smart is the first movie he's been in that I've actually watched the whole way through. You see, when he first came off of the pro-wrestling circuit (have no fear, this entry will not include a confession regarding a secret WWF preoccupation-- just so we're clear), he had the Scorpion King and the Mummy Returns... Blah blah blah. What prissy teenage girl wants to go see those greasy testosterone fests? Not this one, I tell you.

Then came movies like Be Cool and The Rundown which, while perhaps more up my alley, I still never happened to see. Then one day I came home and flipped on the Tivo in expectation of watching the Barefoot Contessa marathon I had taped the previous night. However, as Tivo is wont to do, the channel had failed to change correctly when recording started and as I settled in on the sofa with my apple slices and cheese, I found myself facing the last 2/3 of Walking Tall.

Perturbed with my brother who had left the TV on another channel before the recording started, and annoyed with Tivo for creating a product that played with my affections so carelessly, I began to watch a few minutes of the movie just out of spite.

Thirty minutes later I realized I had no idea what was going on and hadn't been following the plot at all, I had just been staring at Dwayne Johnson.

Alarmed, I flipped off the TV and sat stunned, eyes wide as I slowly picked bits of apple peel out of my teeth and wondering if I was really just that taken with a former pro-wrestler. I mean, he's just this big and bulky and tan... OH MY GHAW- I TOTALLY HAVE THE HOTS FOR THE ROCK!

I tried to reason with myself... He does that weird eyebrow thing, remember? And he used to wear spandex in public! And remember that god-awful catchphrase of his, "Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?" Really, Jessica?! His name is DWAYNE! I mean, he's got that big, outrageous tattoo... Actually it's really gorgeous... AAAHH!!! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?! I TOTALLY HAVE THE HOTS FOR THE ROCK!

I can't explain it. I can't tell you why I, miss "Food Network and Turner Classic Movies" and "Maybe MAYBE once a year SEES a man she thinks she COULD be attracted to", gets so twitterpated over a big lug who used to wrestle on TV. All I can tell you is that he seems to strike that perfect balance between raw masculinity and refined gentility. He could build me a fence, beat up my bad guys, and HANDLE me, but I could take him to a suit and tie dinner party and he would carry himself beautifully.

Plus he just seems nice. :)

Now for the love of cake, please no one tell my grandma!


Girl Friday said...

Oh, but I can top that. At least you watched respectable FILMS. I got my Rock Crush from seeing him on Hannah Montana. In drag.

Now, feel better?! :)

Suzanne said...

Ahhhh, I think it's cute--you and Rock.

One Fabulous Nanny said...

Hoooly crap!
hahahaha oh my gosh, I'm guffawing over here :)

You make my day!

Brett J. Banakis said...

Crushing on The Rock . . . how unfortunate.